Our Journey Goes On

First of all, THANK YOU.  The outpouring of love and concern for our family has been overwhelming.  It has been very comforting to hear of so many who are praying for us.  Believe me, we need it.

When I started this blog it was intended to be a record for my children of the events that would happen while we fought cancer.  It turned into therapy for me and allowed me to get my feelings out and process them, then move on.  At times I have gone back and read some of the posts.  That is very hard.  It is like opening up a fresh wound.  In the past week I have begun to realize that our journey is not over.  Trent's journey has ended and he is now whole and free from pain.  However, I am afraid that mine and our children's journey is just beginning.

Over the course of the past 28 months we have seen many miracles and received many answers to prayers.  Our lives have been blessed beyond what we ever could have imagined.  We prayed so hard for the mighty miracle of healing for Trent.  Physically, we did not get that miracle.  I believe his miracle was in his never-ending faith.  Even up to the last day of his life, we all believed he could be healed, by the power of God.

Now we pray for a new miracle, the healing of our broken hearts.  I am lost without the love of my life.  Right now I can't imagine wanting to endure the next 50 years of my life without him.  The only thing that gets me out of bed each day is knowing that five beautiful children are depending on me to be strong.  I have begun fervently praying for the second coming of Christ, to heal our hearts and reunite my family.

I know that Trent wants me to be happy but it is so hard.  I am not mourning the Trent from one week ago though.  His body was so broken and tired.  I would watch him and think, "How can he come back from this?"  I am mourning the loss of Trent from three years ago.   He was so fun, vibrant, and full of life.  He was happy, healthy, and energetic.  Thankfully, those are the memories that come to my mind when I think of Trent.  The children have expressed that as well.  When they talk about or dream of Trent it is healthy Trent.  That is the Trent that we will miss.

I know in my heart that he suffered all that he could and he needed rest.  In fact, I am happy for him!  My first thought after he passed was that he was no longer in pain and that brought me such joy and relief.  Watching a loved one suffer is the most awful thing I can think of.  I can only hope that Trent feels the same and will work hard on the other side of the veil to prepare a way for me to join him quickly.

Before his passing Trent had asked me to give the Euology at his funeral.  I was not sure I could do it but I agreed.  I was grateful for the chance to honor Trent publicly and I know that Trent was standing beside me the entire time...

Euology for Trent Hal Rasmussen

We are gathered here to honor and remember the love of my life.  I have had the joy of being united with Trent physically for seventeen years, and spiritually for eternity.  While the physical separation came way too soon, I know Trent and I will be together forever and our reunion will be sweet. 

I first fell in love with Trent’s sense of humor.  On our second date we went to see Handel’s Messiah.  By now I had realized that we shared a Humanities class and we had our final coming up.  I turned to Trent and quizzed him, “What is the difference between an aria and an oratorio?”  He replied, “Uh, the spelling?”  I knew right then that he was someone I wanted to get to know and he spent the next seventeen years making me laugh.

Trent was the most chivalrous and considerate man.  He always got the door for me even when he was sick and walking was difficult.  After his sternotomy as he was laying in the ICU, he asked a nurse to call me so he could make sure I had arrived home safely.  He was such a gentleman and always concerned for my well-being above his own. 

Early in our married life, Trent was working two jobs and going to school.  We had two young children and the only time was saw Trent was for about one hour at lunch time.  We lived in a small house with only a swamp cooler during the hot summer months.  Each day he would come home, have lunch and lay in the hallway directly under the swamp cooler.  He would stretch out his arms and Megan and I would cuddle in and Zach would crawl on top of Trent.  We talked, laughed and tickled there enjoying what was dubbed as “Family Council”.  As our family grew and we lived in different houses, Family Council, migrated to different rooms, or beds that could accommodate all of us, but it was always filled with precious family time. 

One of Trent’s greatest joys was road-tripping.  He loved having the family all in one place where no one could escape, to just talk, sing, and enjoy each other.  A few years ago while we were living in Nebraska, we had planned a trip home just after Christmas.  However the weather did not cooperate and our trip was canceled.  Trent was not to be deterred though.  He quickly called my sister who lived in Texas to see if we could drop in for the weekend.  Within two hours we were loaded and pulling out of the driveway, headed off to one of our most memorable adventures.  We spent New Year’s Eve in Oklahoma City in a little hotel room toasting shakes from Arctic Circle as we watched the ball drop.  Another time we were headed back to Nebraska from summer break and Trent decided to take a few detours.  We started off at Martin’s Cove, discovering and learning about our ancestors, and ended up taking an eight hour detour up to see Crazy Horse and Mount Rushmore.  Trent was spontaneous and always looking for an adventure to be had and a memory to be made.

Trent loved to bake and cook.  He was always looking for new recipes to try and new foods to eat.  His opinion was that food should be “Crazy Good”.  As soon as he was finished with one meal, he would begin dreaming about what he would eat for his next meal.   Trent had a sweet tooth that was unparalleled.  His trips to the store for “one thing” often turned into Trent returning with two grocery bags full of sweets.  He loved Swedish fish, Jordan Almonds, and licorice.  He was never one to turn down a dessert until he got cancer. He then surprised us all by asking for carrots and ranch, or a dill pickle. 

Trent loved surprises.  He loved them so much that five times he tried to get me to not tell anyone when we were expecting.  His big surprise would be to just show up at our parents’ house with a new baby.  That would be a fun surprise but I was never able to hide the bump for that long.

Trent had a unique lingo all his own.  He had many phrases that were so Trent, such as, “Cool, cool” or “nothing short of wonderful”.  As he would leave the infusion room he would call out to the other patients, “God speed, keep fighting.” He often created acronyms in place of an entire sentence and would then expect me to know what he was talking about.  After a while, I did come to understand him and would often end up being an interpreter for others.  Truly, that is something I will miss greatly. 

Trent worked so hard to gain an education.  He wanted his children to see the value in getting an education and make that a priority in their lives.  Part of his joy in attending UNL to get his Master’s Degree was going to the Husker Football games.  We each got to take turns going to a game with him. I am not a huge football fan but it was sure fun to watch him get so excited about the game.  His enthusiasm for life in general was contagious and he was so fun to be around.  He always made you feel good and like life was such a treasure.

He was so proud of his ability to work hard and provide for his family.  He worked harder than anyone I have ever seen.  At one point in our marriage he was going to school full time, serving on the City Council, serving in the Young Men’s, working 60+ hours per week and still finding time to be with our family.  He knew that if we were ever in want, he had the ability to work harder to fix it.  Cancer changed that and it was probably one of the most difficult things for him to face.  Not being able to care for his family weighed heavily on him.  But at the same time, it gave me one of the most beautiful blessings of my life.  I was honored to serve him every day.  For 2 ½ years I was by his side attending to his needs.  He didn’t make it feel like work.  It just made me love him more than I could have imagined. 

Trent loved to fish and be outdoors.  He always wanted the best of everything and when his flyrod was not quite up to par, he decided he would be happiest with his own craftsmanship and built his own rod.  Trent loved to build things with his hands.  He recently taught himself the art of woodcarving.  His first and only project would become his Masterpiece.  He could build anything he could dream up. He built much of our home in Providence and when we needed furniture, he built that too.   He built the most amazing playhouse for our kids that quickly became the neighborhood play toy and party spot.  Before cancer he was so strong physically.  So strong in fact, that our fire escape plan for the family consisted of, “Stay where you are, Dad will come get you.”

As cancer took his physical strength he was given more emotional, mental, and spiritual strength than you could imagine.  His determination to fight this horrible disease was amazing.  His immediate reaction to the diagnosis was to fight with everything he had and pull his family close and treasure every moment.  Trent loves his children so much.  We celebrated our 17^th anniversary 3 weeks ago and as we were reminiscing I asked him what the happiest day of our married life was for him.  I was kind of fishing for him to say our wedding day, of course.  But his immediate response was, “Each day we brought a new baby into our family.”  I remember being so happy, and maybe a little bit jealous, as our babies would reach for Trent instead of me.  They all adore their Daddy.  He was such a “hands-on” Dad.  He was always the one to get up in the night with our babies, while I pretended to be asleep.  He would change them, rock them, and bring them to me.  He taught them to fish, to draw, to play soccer, and encouraged any activity they wanted to try.  He taught them the gospel and showed them each day how to live it.  Each time he went to the hospital he would tape a picture of our kids on the IV pole so he could always see them.  He would then introduce them to all the medical personnel and make sure they knew that his kids were the reason he was fighting.  Trent worked very hard to create a relationship with each one that was special to them.  He took them to RSL games, Husker games, movies, and on special dates.  He almost never let a chance go by to spend an extra few minutes with his kids.  Our kids have been so blessed to have him physically for the short time they did.  The memories we have made will be treasured.  I know he will stay near us and will be there when we need him.

Trent led by example.  He honored his priesthood and used it to bless me and our kids.  It was not difficult to see Trent’s goodness.  He was unlike any man I have ever met.  His testimony was strong and unwavering.  He was one of those who just always had a testimony and it was obvious.  He shared his testimony everywhere he went.  He touched many lives and has undoubtedly changed them for the better.  A line in his patriarchal blessing states that he would be honored and respected for the honesty of his heart and the purity of his soul.  I think the crowd that we have here today can attest to that.  Everyone who met Trent loved him.  He had a way of making everyone his friend.  I could go on and on about how great Trent is but I am sure you all know and feel it already.    He is a mighty man and heaven has gained a powerful angel.  We will miss his Pillsbury doughboy laugh, his happy dance, and even his constant teasing.  We will miss his ready smile, his quick wit, his unquenchable thirst for goodness.  We will miss our Daddy, my best friend, my husband, my love.  I am the luckiest woman in the world to know that he is mine forever and one day he will welcome me into his arms once again and all the pain of our separation will vanish.    Until then, God speed Trent, we love you and we will keep fighting.