Yeah I know, the title makes me cringe too. Last fall I had a few invitations to attend a Widow/Widower Conference. The first thought that came to my mind was, "Eww gross! What a meat market!" Of course, I declined. But by about December I knew I had to go to the next one which was held in the middle of March. I just could not get the thought out of my mind. I even knew who I had to take with me. I had mentioned it to a few other friends who are in my same situation and their reaction was the same as mine, "EWWW!!!" So I knew I either had to go alone or trust the promptings that I had been receiving to take Brad, a friend who lost his wife due to a complication in her pregnancy in June 2011. Brad was reluctant as well but agreed to go and be my buffer from the meat market. We agreed that we would not participate in any social activities during the conference and there would be no eye contact with anyone. Pretty strict right!?
We were both pretty nervous as we arrived on the first morning, not knowing what to expect. As soon as we walked in a woman ran up to us and hugged us, loudly introducing herself and exclaiming how happy she was to meet us. I nearly bolted for the car right then! Thankfully, I did not.
The first speaker was S. Michael Wilcox, author of several LDS books and talks. "The Fourth Watch" is a talk of his that I have listened to several times and absolutely LOVE! When he began speaking it was like the Balm of Gilead for my soul. He could have been singing the ABC's to me and it would have been the same. Just hearing his voice was so comforting to me. He gave a fabulous talk and mentioned some of the same things that I have also learned. He doesn't use the term, "moving on" and neither do I. I prefer, "carrying on". He came up with something even better though, "moving toward". I loved that! Each day I am moving toward my reunion with Trent. He talked about eternal love going both forward and backward, how important it is to "pass through" sorrow, and that the grave is as important as the altar in creating eternal marriages. Seriously, so good.
We attended workshops given by Kent Allen, a licensed marriage and family therapist. He was amazing. I would go back a thousand times just to hear him speak. Not only did he tell us what to expect from our children at different ages and stages, he told us exactly what to do to help them. He told us how to help ourselves and what is normal and when to seek help. He taught us about Love Languages and how they apply to our children. He also bore testimony of the healing that comes through the Atonement and encouraged us to lay our burdens at Christ's feet. Yes, I am a big, big fan of his now.
The cost of the seminar included lunch and dinner each day. We made the mistake of eating the lunch provided on the first day. No, the food was not the problem, it was having to witness the meat market in action. Yikes! We met some nice people but I wish I had a better experience with the group as a whole. After that we decided to get food somewhere else. :)
We also got to hear from Chris Williams and his wife, Mikkel. Chris' first wife and three of his five children were killed in an auto accident cause by a drunk driver. He brought up some interesting points in his talk. He talked about how it seems that during the first few months after loss we have such a strong spiritual support but that seems to fade, leaving us feeling alone and lost. He said, "If we always have such a strong spiritual support we would never need to be strong on our own. We would be spiritually crippled." I don't really think that the support fades but it is like a parent teaching a child to ride a bike. At first we hold firmly to the bike, steadying them. Gradually the amount of support gets less and less until eventually we run beside them as they ride the bike all by themselves. It is the same concept. Heavenly Father never leaves us alone but supports us and loves us until we can be strong without as much help from Him. Of course, He is always right there to catch us if we stumble too. Brother Williams also spoke of forgiveness and faith. He had to make a choice to forgive the other driver. He likened it to a parent disciplining a child. It is so tempting for other children to jump in, or pile on, as we call it. But he knew that he had to not interfere in Heavenly Father's parenting of His other child. He knew that he would be cared for and parented with peace and comfort, but he needed to "let it go" and forgive. He then asked, "Do you have faith that Christ can heal you?" I was sure I knew the answer to that when Trent was battling cancer. I certainly had enough faith for
Trent to be healed. Unfortunately that was not God's will. Now the question is do
I have enough faith for
me to be healed? I have to ask myself that question every single day. When Mikkel spoke she asked the question, "Who am I becoming because of this trial?" We all have a choice in that matter. Who we become depends on our reaction to our trials. Heavenly Father knows who I can/will become. I just have to trust the path that is getting me there.
The whole weekend was such a spiritual experience for me. I felt like Heavenly Father followed me around placing answers in my lap and comfort in my heart over and over. On the way home on Sunday morning we were looking for a church house so we could attend sacrament meeting. We saw several church steeples but had a hard time finding the church. We finally found one that was a bit more out-of-the-way than we had planned on. After hearing their speakers, I believe that was Heavenly Father, guiding me to exactly the right meeting that day. My testimony grew by leaps and bounds as I once again realized how intimately Heavenly Father loves me and is involved in the details of my life. He has promised He would never leave me alone and He is keeping his promise.
