Getting Ready to Relay!

I am having mixed emotions about this one.  Relay for Life is coming up and Team Trent is making a comeback.  We started Team Trent two years ago but last year we had to team up with another team because Trent was just too sick and I didn't have the time, energy, or capacity to pull it together for Relay for Life.  We always knew that fighting cancer would be a lifetime battle for us, but I really expected that Trent would be here with me.  We figured he would get better and then we would spend our efforts helping other people do the same.  It is bittersweet to continue the fight without him.  When I say bittersweet...it is about 90% bitter and only 10% sweet so far.  

Last night a spaghetti dinner was held to jump start fundraising for Relay for Life.  Megan and Mallory were home sick so I took just my boys.  Jonathan must have had a pound or two of sugar before we left because he was bouncing off the walls!  We got our dinner and sat at a table with four other people we didn't know.  I recognized one man from a previous Relay.  Jonathan set right to work making sure they were all introduced.  He marched right up to one elderly woman and said, "I haven't met you before. What is your name?"  I was thinking that was pretty funny until she told him her name and he replied, "Oh, that's weird!"

As it goes with spaghetti dinners...they are never really fantastic, always a lot more noodles than sauce and the sauce is usually pretty bland without a lot of meat.  Last night's dinner was no different.  So Richard, one of our new friends, offered each of the boys a dollar if they ate their meal.  When he paid up Jonathan took his dollar and said, "Hey! There is no five on this!"  Ugh!  What am I going to do with this kid?

Jonny and his new friend, Richard

We watched a promotional video from last year's Relay and I was surprised at the song they chose as the background music.  I had to sit and listen to Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger".  Are you kidding me?  That was just a little harsh for me.  They couldn't have chosen a more appropriate song for such a sensitive circumstance?  I really felt like wringing somebody's neck!  But I tried to act as normal as I could while completely tuning out my surroundings.

There was also a live band, the Greg Simpson Band.  They were really good and played songs that I knew.

Greg Simpson Band

Jonathan jumped up and got his bootie shakin'!  He was really having a great time dancing to the music.  Jarom really wanted to dance too but was just a little too shy to do it.

Jonny even got Richard to get up and dance with him.

Me, Zach, and Jarom--the non-dancers!

We left just before it ended and as we left the lead singer of the band, yes Greg Simpson himself,  called out to me over the microphone.  He wanted to know if he had offended me then wished me goodnight.  Uh...embarrassing!  Thanks for calling me out in front of everyone!  Next time I am sitting in the back!

The whole evening went pretty well.  I was expecting it to be a little harder than it was.  It will probably be different at the actual Relay.  I am going to really have to gear up for that one.

When we got home Zach was messing with his camera.  He figured out that he could make a slideshow with music right on his camera.  Most of his pictures were of Trent.  Of course I was instantly bawling.  It all seems like yesterday and at the same time it feels like forever.  I am grateful though, that the good days are becoming more frequent.  We are going to survive.  We are growing from our experiences.  We miss Trent terribly and can't wait until he is with us again.  But in the meantime, we are making every moment count.

Fun-Raising

Yesterday I took the kids to a fundraiser for Paul, a friend who is battling stomach cancer.  We went down a little early and had dinner with Greg and Erin then they went to the fundraiser with us.  We met up with Cindy, a friend from Nebraska who now lives in Utah who was a mission companion to Sandra, Paul's wife. Small world, I know.  I am amazed how interconnected we all are.

Anyway, Peter Breinholt, Ryan Shupe, and Nancy Hansen all donated their time and talents to provide the evening's entertainment.  They were so amazing!  After we had listened to several songs Mallory came up to me and whispered in my ear, "Mom, when are we going to get to the play part, you know where the kids get to play games?"  I told her there wasn't any of that and that she should sit down and listen to them sing.  Her response cracked me up!  She got this really awful look on her face and said, "This is the lamest fun zone ever!  I never want to go to a "fun raiser" again!"  Apparently my 'd' was silent when I told her we were going to a fundraiser!

Not long after that Ryan Shupe sang Dream Big, one of Trent's favorite songs.  It is also the background music to one of our family videos.  Of course I started bawling.  Why does there have to be so darn many 'triggers'?

After the singing ended I was approached by a woman I do not know.  She asked if I was Holly.  She and her husband have read our blog faithfully and recognized me.  I was so touched and grateful that they introduced themselves.  When I write this blog I don't really think about people reading it...it really is a way for me to get my feelings out and process them so I don't have to revisit them unless I want to reread a post. I almost never do that.  It hurts too much.  But, if it helps someone else then that is good for me too.

Jarom requested that Ryan Shupe sing Corndog.  He thought he was pretty cool!

  

Nancy Hansen was so amazing and funny too!

Erin and Jonny

Ryan Shupe is phenomenal on his instruments.  I was so impressed.  He has written some pretty funny songs too. The kids have all been singing Baldy.

Peter Breinholt was so fun to listen to.  I am in awe at the way they all  meshed with their talents.

Me, Zach, and Megan (and some random kid in the back )

Megan, Mally, and Greg--Peace out!

The fundraiser was a success and we enjoyed the music so much!  All the kids were laughing and having a good time.  Unfortunately Paul was too ill to attend and we were sad we didn't get to see their family.  We are still praying like crazy for their miracle though!

Remembering...Hurts

After having a pretty good week I should have known I would stumble.  I still cry every day at least once or twice but can usually pick myself up and carry on. However, that doesn't always happen.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my first kiss from Trent, eighteen years ago.  I always reminded him of all these special dates and he almost always remembered on his own.  As I was getting ready for church I was strolling down memory lane, reliving those moments that I had with Trent as we were just getting to know each other.  I wasn't especially sad, but was really missing Trent.  I went to church and sat on the second to last row with my kids.  We always sit at the back because Trent needed to be close to the exit in case he needed to leave.  A woman in our ward came in behind me using a cane.  I didn't even look at her, I knew from the familiar and rhythmic crunch of the metal and rubber what it was.  Tears were instantly flowing and my breath caught in my throat.  I didn't expect that to trigger me, but it did.  I managed to sit through and enjoy the rest of the meeting, minus the refereeing of five kids.  After the meeting a man in our ward asked me how I was doing and I told him I was alright.  He asked me again how I was really doing.  This time I kinda gave him a teary smile and told him I was okay.  He said he didn't mean to make me cry then he stepped behind the pew like he was going to leave but stopped.  After a few seconds of me trying to compose myself, he said, "I just feel like Trent wants me to tell you that he loves you."  That did it.  I was a lost cause after that.  I went home and bawled like a baby for about an hour.  I made it back for Relief Society but struggled the rest of the day.  I still can't believe that Trent is not here.  It all seems like a horrible dream and that someday I will wake up and life will return to normal.  Sigh...

Last night I was really feeling glum.  As I was getting ready for bed I heard Zach crying in his room.  He was having a meltdown of his own, probably triggered by me.  He had been especially aware of my mood all day and kept asking if I was okay.  He knew I was struggling and was doing everything he could to help me.  He reminded me at least three times yesterday that Trent loves me and that the Second Coming is soon.  When I saw him crying my heart broke all over again.  I can't imagine what life will be like for him without his Dad.  He is a strong kid but oh, so tender.  I got in bed with him and we just cried.  I am not sure I was any help to him at all.  He said he was remembering all the fun we had in Disneyland before Trent passed away.  He told me the good memories are the hardest ones.  I completely agree with him!  The good memories are the ones that hurt the most.  It is easy to remember how sick Trent was and understand that he needed to die to be free from all the pain and suffering.  But remembering the good times makes me miss him so much!

The other night Mallory was really having a hard time staying in bed.  She kept coming into my room to ask questions.  Most of them were inconsequential but then she got really serious and asked how many people it took to carry Trent's body out of his room.  She wanted to know what he was wearing when they took him. She asked me why she didn't get to come and help dress him for the funeral.  I was totally surprised by all of these questions.  She wasn't upset, just wanted some answers.  We talked for a little bit and she seemed to be satisfied by the answers I gave her.  I was surprised that her questions didn't upset me though.  It makes me wonder what else is going through that little mind of hers.

I had the chance this week to speak with several different people whose hearts are breaking because of circumstances in their own lives.  I am grateful for the capacity I have been given to empathize with their pain. Of course that came because of my own tragedy but I am thankful for it nonetheless.  For me, healing is coming by reaching out to others.  Maybe I am choosing to help others instead of face my own reality...I don't know.  Maybe someday that will come back and bite me in the backside.  Only time will tell...

Making Progress

The New Year's holiday was a little glum for me. It is hard to be excited about starting a new year without Trent.  It feels like time is marching on without him and I don't like it one bit.  Okay,  maybe I like it one bit...but only the bit that gets me closer to being with him each day.

To celebrate the holiday Jarom and I went to the store and bought all the treats that Trent would have gotten. We also got some pizzas to bake at home.  Then we stopped at Redbox and picked up a couple of movies to watch.  Trent was always very skeptical of movies that we hadn't heard about but we took a chance on one anyway and it turned out to be pretty good.  We had a fun time just hanging out, stuffing our faces, and watching movies.  I still have a hard time watching any movies or TV so I put up a card table in the living room and did a puzzle instead.  I know, what a rockin' party, right?!

On New Year's day I took Zach to see "The Hobbit".  Trent and Zach had been planning to see that one together.  It isn't my type of movie at all but Zach really wanted to see it.  The last movie I saw with Zach, in place of Trent, did not go over too well and I bawled the whole way through it.  This time I was only gulping back the tears once or twice.  I felt like that was a success!  I am really not looking forward to having to see the next two movies in the trilogy though.  Zach kept asking me if I was okay and if I was having a good time.  He even made sure to open the door for me the whole night.  What a great kid I have!  Zach is a great date but next time I am picking the movie!

The kids went back to school on Wednesday and I think they were all really ready for a routine again.  Isn't that what moms say when really they are the ones who are ready for the routine? :)  As soon as all the kids were gone, Mom, Jonorias, and I jumped in the car and headed to Logan for some shopping.  While we were there I ran into a woman from my ward in Providence.  She didn't know that Trent had passed away and I gave her the condensed version of our story through my tears.  Ouch.  I still can't believe it is real sometimes.  Then a couple of days later while I was shopping in Logan again, ( I know it sounds like I shop all the time but I really don't.) I ran into another friend from our Providence ward.  This conversation was very different than the last one.  I was surprised to realize I had a very genuine smile on my face while I talked with her.  She asked how we were doing and I told her that we were going to survive.  Then came the shocker...I realized that I was happy that I was going to survive.  I have given that answer many times before but usually with a fair amount of disappointment that I was not dead too.  It has been so hard to look forward to happy milestones in my children's lives with any amount of joy.  I just didn't want them to happen at all, unless Trent would be with us.  But I am beginning to overcome those feelings.  I am starting to see that life can be happy again, not 100% happy, like I am with Trent, but happy still.

Although I have been forever changed by this experience, I am starting to have some glimpses of the old Holly.  It is almost as if there is a "Before Holly" and an "After Holly".  Little by little I am picking up the pieces of my broken heart and trying to carry on.   I know that whatever progress I am making can be stripped away from me very easily by a nasty "trigger" but I hope I have come far enough to make up any lost ground without too much trouble.  We'll see...

Our focus is still on the Second Coming and our prayers will never stop until the triumphant return of our Lord and Savior, and our reunion with Trent.  Yesterday Mallory made her bed and set out this note, along with her stuffed animals.  It says, "We believe the 2 Coming is coming fast, ya. The second coming is the best. Love, Mall Mall".  She took the picture with her new camera.  She is such a sweetheart!  I have included a little sampling of the pictures I found on her sd card.  Looks like we have another budding photographer in the family! :)

Megan and Me

Mallory

Charlotte and Lyndsi

Adam

Zach

Megan

Trisha

Claire and Olivia

Mallory's babies

Happy New Year...I Hope

We survived Christmas...barely.  It was tough and I had more than my fair share of meltdowns.  On Christmas Eve we went bowling, like we always do.  It was fun but just made me sad.  Trent was an amazing bowler because he could hurl that ball so hard.  I was really missing him that night.  The kids were really excited though and I was really trying to put on the happy face for them.  Luckily the tears waited until I was alone in my room

Jarom throwing down a strike! 

Me and Zach-Dang it he is almost as tall as me!

I am sure this is Jarom's look of awe at his mom's awesomeness on the lane! hahaha!

My sweet Mallory

Jonny the pretzel. Every time it was his turn to bowl we had to look under all the tables to find him. Exasperating!

.

Zach and Megan just chillin'.

 Before we went to bed we all got to open our new Christmas jammies.

I read some Christmas stories to the kids and we wrote letters to Trent to fill his stocking.  It was pretty lonely to see only his stocking remaining on the wall when we laid ours out for Santa.

I framed two of our family pictures for everyone then added a charm that had each kid's name and 'Dad' on it with  another charm that says 'LOVE'.

Christmas morning was better.  We opened presents with just our little family and that helped me.  Before we started we said a prayer asking that Trent would be with us.  I didn't feel anything special or different but I hope he was there.  One of the Christmas presents from my parents was a ticket to Les Miserables that evening.  All of my brothers and their wives got one too.  I thought it would be fun to go to a movie even though I would be the obvious fifth (or ninth) wheel.  I was wrong.  Really wrong.  When Trent proposed to me he gave me a music box that he had custom made with the song "On My Own" in it. He also gave me tickets to see Les Mis on stage.  I thought it was awfully poignant that was the song he chose.  Ugh.  I did okay all through the movie but by the time we got back to Mike and Lyndsi's car I was loosing it quickly.  I quietly bawled all the way home.  When we got to the driveway I cried not-so-quietly for a long time.  Mike and Lyndsi were bawling too.  Finally Mike offered to say a prayer.  That helped but not enough to keep me from completely falling apart after I ran down to my room.  

I ended up talking to a friend for several hours and during the course of the conversation I expressed how devastating it is to no longer have a "safe place to land".  I didn't realize until that moment that that is what I am feeling, that is what I am missing.  I know that Trent still loves me and I love him.  Nothing has changed with that.  But I no longer have my safe place to go where anything I say is alright, anything I feel is okay, and whatever thoughts I share are safe.  When you give yourself to someone, they take it all, every last vulnerable part of you.  And if they really love you, they hold it very sacred and dear like Trent did.  It is really hard to have given that all away and have the keeper of my heart be taken from me.  Everyone needs a safe place to land, especially during times like this.

Honestly, the next few days are kind of a blur.  I am not really sure what I did.  It snowed a lot and it was nice to just lay around and not feel like I HAD to do something.  

On Thursday I had to run to Walmart for a few things and while I was there it became very obvious that I my wedding ring no longer fits me.  I had a scare on Christmas day when I was shoving wrapping paper into a garbage bag and felt my ring slip over my knuckle.  I finally broke down and bought a stupid costume ring to wear and put my wedding ring on my necklace with Trent's wedding band.  That makes my heart heavy.  I don't like not seeing my ring when I look at my hand but I would be devastated if I lost it so this will have to do for now.  

Friday we went to SLC to stay for a few days at a hotel with all of Trent's family.  I knew it was going to be hard but wanted my kids to have some time with their cousins.  It started off badly when at the entrance to the parking garage it said the clearance was 7 ft.  Not a problem.  But when you get inside and then they have another sign that says, be careful...some places the clearance is only 6 ft---that's a problem.  Yep, we scraped the ceiling on every corner, down four levels until we found a spot to park.  People were staring at us in horror as if I was too stupid to know what was happening.  I was not really thrilled to say the least.  I went straight to the front desk and demanded (in a mostly nice voice) that they go retrieve my suburban from the garage and park it in valet parking for the remainder of the weekend, which they did.  Luckily we have a luggage rack on the top of the suburban and there was no damage to the vehicle itself.  And truthfully, it didn't hurt the luggage rack at all either.  But really, how annoying!  

Within ten minutes of being at the hotel the staff had already mistakenly assumed that I was married to my brother-in-law, Dave.  I should be grateful that there are men in my life who will step in and assist in any situation but it was like a stab to the heart which made the tears start flowing.  The kids wanted to go swimming but I was in no mood to go.  I went down with them but only lasted a few minutes before I was in the hall bawling my eyes out.  I felt like I was trapped with nowhere to go, no privacy of any kind, and a million eyes all on me.  I called a friend who let me bawl and rant and rave for as long as I needed.  It was one of the worst meltdowns in a while.  Ugh.  During that phone call I got a call from another man who has recently lost his wife.  I was nervous I would not be able to talk to him because of my emotional state.  I cannot say enough about how healing it is to talk to people in my same situation.  We talked for about 45 minutes and by the time we hung up I felt so much better!  I hope he did too.   

The next day we all met up to exchange gifts and later do a little shopping and get some lunch.  After we ate I let Jonathan play in the play area and within a few minutes he came back to me with a bloody nose after bumping into another kid.  He was kind of done at that point so we decided to head back to the hotel and let him rest.  Thank goodness we did because as soon as we got there I was deathly ill.  I spent the entire day and night sicker than a dog.  I laid there thinking about Trent and how it must have been to feel that way 24/7 for two and half years!  That only made me feel worse.  It makes me mad all over again that he had to suffer so much!  Later, Zach told me he knew that Dad was with me and taking care of me the whole time I was sick.  That kid always knows just what to say. :)  My brother-in-law gave me a bunch of really good meds that completely knocked me out.  I really have no idea what my kids did all day.  I know that Zach was pretty concerned and he stayed with me almost the entire time so he could watch Jonathan.  When I woke up the next morning I took the second dose of a couple of meds and became so dizzy I could hardly even stand up.  Unfortunately I was supposed to take family pictures for everyone in a couple of hours.  My brothers-in-law were very helpful and got everything loaded into the burb for us.  I never could have done that myself.  I was very loopy!

Thankfully everyone was very cooperative for pictures, including all the little ones.  Again, I just couldn't stand the thought of not having Trent in our picture so I brought him along. :) I would have preferred to do the photos outside but with little kids...what a nightmare!  There will of course be some editing on these photos but I think they turned out okay, minus the hideous carpet!

The entire Rasmussen Family-except Jorden

I was doing pretty well as photographer, although I had to keep sitting down in between shots and such.  But this one got to me.  Jonny wanted his picture with Daddy.  I crouched down to get some shots of him and the tears started flowing.  I didn't want to make a scene so I was trying really hard to keep it in.  I hope no one noticed my shoulders shaking...sigh.

Jonny wanted his picture taken with Daddy. :'(

Our gift from Doug...I am so glad he put Trent's name on it too.

Trevor had to drive our suburban for me because I was having a really hard time focusing on anything.  While we were driving he told me about a dream that he had about Trent.  He said that he knew that Trent was leaving on a mission and he was looking for me so I could say goodbye to Trent.  When he found me Trent and I were apparently mad at each other and didn't want to hug or say our goodbyes.  I know it is just a dream but it kind of bugged me.  What if Trent really is mad at me?  Why?  I can't shake the thought yet.

I am glad the weekend is over.  I know the kids had a great time and I could have had a better time if I was not so sick.  But, the love and concern we felt from all the family was comforting, although very difficult to endure.  It just felt so empty without Trent.

I was looking back at our goals for 2012.  Trent's goals were to get rid of cancer and make his body healthy.  Well, I think he did that...just not how I wanted him to do it.  Our goals for 2013 will be different than we have done in the past.  I am sure there will be the usual, be healthy, exercise, achieve ranks in scouts and advancements in YW/YM, etc.  But I think we are going to have to scale it back a bit too, back to the basics.  Be happy, have purpose, truly feel, and serve.  Some of the basic things in life are the hardest to achieve right now.  Each year our wish is that the coming year will be our best.  2012 did not really live up to that for our family but we have no where to go but up!  I know that 2013 won't be our best year because Trent won't be with us...but we can certainly try to make it better than the last.  Happy New Year everyone!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

As 2012 draws to a close our hearts are breaking.  Life without Trent will never be the same.  We are lost, broken, and afraid.  But in the midst of our sorrow is hope.  Hope in our Savior, Jesus Christ, and in His plan for us.  Hope in His redeeming love and triumph over the grave.  Hope in eternity and forever families.  Hope in tomorrow and brighter days ahead. 

We are picking up the pieces each day and trying to make our Daddy proud of what we do and who we are becoming. 

Megan is an excellent student and is enjoying being in arioso, an all girls’ choir.  She has a beautiful voice and enjoys writing her own piano music and lyrics.

Zach is also at the top of his class and is enjoying scouts and learning to play the trumpet.  He has already treated us to “taps” under the flag pole in Trent’s honor.

Jarom is a natural leader and excels in everything he tries.  He has enjoyed playing on his competitive soccer team and learning to shoot guns.

Mallory was recently baptized.  She is also learning Spanish.  She has a great accent and can understand most of what is said to her and is beginning to speak whole sentences in reply. 

Jonathan has changed his name to jonorias and will correct anyone who calls him otherwise.  He is constantly in a costume of some sort such as spider-man, a knight in shining armor, or fix-it-felix.  He is also enjoying preschool.

I am trying to stay busy by volunteering at the schools, serving in relief society, and being a mom.  I have also enjoyed learning to shoot-Guns and cameras! 

We are facing the hardest thing I can imagine but our faith is sure.  We have been blessed beyond measure and are so grateful for your love and support of our family.  May 2013 be full of love and blessings to you all! 

That was this year's Christmas letter.  I wish I could say all was well and happy at our house this year, but it is not.  Christmas was so fun with Trent and this year my heart is not in it at all.  I am sure I am still somewhat numb to my reality, otherwise I would be much, much worse.  I think I have spent the last month trying to ignore the fact that we have to celebrate this special holiday without the most important person in my life.  It has been difficult to decide how to celebrate because it is almost as if we have two sets of traditions...those with did with healthy Trent, and those we did when he was too sick for anything else.  I think we will morph into a new set of traditions and keep the best of both kinds of Christmas.  We are going to try to enjoy the day as much as we can and look forward to the day when we are all together again.  Hopefully it won't be long...

I was in charge of the entertainment at out ward Christmas party this year.  Greg and Erin helped me put together the following video.  I love the ending...

Reality...

We are still trying very hard to be happy and busy but the reality of our situation is sinking in.  As we get closer to Christmas my heart gets heavier.  I am not sure where my emotions are from day to day.  Sometimes I push Trent far out of my mind to just get a few minutes free from pain.  At times I have even looked at his pictures and felt nothing. Nada. Zilch.  But the majority of the time he is at the forefront of my thoughts and his absence is painfully real.  

For FHE on Monday I took all the kids to Megan's Christmas concert.  It was well done and I wish I would have been able to enjoy it more.  Concerts with children are not to be enjoyed though.  Jonathan talked THE ENTIRE TIME.  He also flipped the lady in front of us in the head about a million times with his super hero bands (a.k.a. Mallory's stretchy headbands).  During the course of the evening I caught Zach and Mallory pinching Jonathan at different times, and had to field about 20 loudly whispered questions from Jarom, none of which had anything to do with the concert.  Needless to say I was frazzled by the time we got home.  

After the concert Megan was having a really hard time and I was doing what I could to help her.  She is a tough nut to crack though.  Her mood carried over to Tuesday and we opted to have her stay home from school.  What she may not have realized was that when a kid stays home I make them hang out with me!  I had been asked to play the piano for a sing along at the Perry school so I dragged her along with me.  She was delightful and had a fun time singing and dancing with the 4th graders.  As soon as I dropped her off for her drivers ed class her mood was in the toilet again.  Ugh.

I believe this was "5 Golden Rings" in the 12 Days of Christmas.  Nice pose Megan!

I had been having a pretty good morning but saw an old friend at the school who didn't know that Trent had passed away.  That shifted my thoughts and my mood for the rest of the day.  That evening we decorated our Christmas cookies.  That was Trent's all time favorite thing to do each year.  We used his grandmother's recipe that was written in Trent's handwriting so it kind of felt like he was participating in some way.  We had fun and made some pretty interesting looking cookies but I really missed Trent doing it with us.  

By bedtime I was an emotional wreck.  Everything was making me cry.  I said the family prayer and sent the kids to brush their teeth.  I just sat on the floor and cried.  Zach heard me crying and came to give me a hug.  He then went through our regular "pick me up" dialogue. 

Zach: Hey Mom, I love you.

Me: Zach, I love you too. 

Zach: Hey Mom, Dad loves you too.

Me: I know Zach, Dad loves you too.

Zach: Hey Mom, the Second Coming is today.

Me: Thanks Zach.  One of these days when you say that it is going to be true.

After the kids were all tucked in I went to bed and bawled.  Not long after that I got a call from a friend who was kind enough to listen to me cry and vent until the wee hours of the morning.  Luckily I was able to catch a few ZZZ's at the library the next day while Jonathan was in preschool.  It was only slightly embarrassing to wake up with my mouth hanging open after the book I was "reading" fell.  ;)  

Yesterday I got a call from a friend who is also about to have her world turned upside down.  We are still praying for their miracle but preparing for the worst.  It is so hard to see other people have to face this same horrible trial.  It makes me crazy that it is happening so often and there is not one thing anyone can do to stop it.  Still, I find peace in talking about it, offering my small insights and tidbits that I have learned along the way or just a shoulder to cry on.  I cannot deny that we were so blessed throughout the entire time that Trent was ill.  There were many tender mercies given even though we didn't always want to accept them as such.  We just wanted to be living a normal, healthy life that didn't need all the tender mercies.  

As we were talking I was reminded of a quote I recently read, "Give God the benefit of the doubt."  Sometimes it is very difficult to remember that God's plan is far better than anything I could come up with.  I happen to think it would have been a great plan to have Trent be well and happy and ALIVE to grow old with me.  But, I will be the first to admit that I am not the smartest one in this equation.  My vision is so short sighted and I know that God is carefully leading me through the darkness.  I am hanging on with everything I have...