Another Angel in Heaven

Last week was so busy and had so many good, but hard moments. About a week and a half ago I was at a friends' house and he told me that he had seen Trent's headstone when he went to pick out his wife's headstone.  Trent's headstone has not been set yet but is completed and sitting out at the monument place.  In my head I knew that was probably the case but I didn't really think about it because it is too hard.  So when my friend mentioned he went to the monument place, I half-jokingly asked if he had seen Trent's headstone while he was there.  When he said he had I instantly burst into tears.  He said it was beautiful and actually apologized for seeing it first.  I just didn't want to face it before, I could have seen it anytime I wanted to.  The next day while I was taking Megan to a friends' house we stopped to see the headstone.  As soon as I pulled in I was bawling.  It is just so final to see Trent's name in stone.  It doesn't bother me one bit to see mine there too though.  I don't actually think that there will ever be a death date by my name.  I am pretty sure the Second Coming will happen before that.  I asked Megan if it bothered her to see the headstone.  She said it was so final...like she had been living the past six months in a different reality.  When I dropped her off I was still bawling.  She said goodbye and started to run up to the house but turned around quickly.  She flung open the car door and said, "I love you Mom!"  I am so blessed to have her!

For FHE last week I gathered all the kids up and took them for frozen yogurt.  Then we parked at the temple and talked.  It was nice to have them all close and to have a chance to chat about things that are going on in our lives.  As my days are being filled with the business of getting back to life I feel like I haven't been taking as many moments to connect with my kids.  I know that none of them have REALLY grieved yet so I need to make sure that I am ready and have a good relationship with each one so they will be able to open up to me and feel like they are heard.

Wednesday I spent the day with Sandra.  We went to the Bountiful Temple together.  That is the temple that she and Paul were married in and it was her first time back since Paul passed away.  It was a hard day for both of us but I was so glad she let me share it with her.  After the session I got to the Celestial Room first.  I waited anxiously for Sandra to get there too.  As soon as I saw her enter the room I gathered her in my arms and we cried buckets of tears of anguish.  I think sometimes we expect too much to happen at the temple and that can be very devastating.  Sometimes the peace we need is so hard to find.  We spent several hours talking and crying and leaning on each other for support.  I can see how far I have come and to be able to look back and see a path of progress and healing is comforting to me.

That night I went to dinner with three widow/widower friends and had a blast.  It is nice to do something social again.  We always have a good time together and it especially helps that we all "get it".

Our family was asked to present a musical program at the nursing home last Thursday.  We have done that several times before and I was happy to have the chance again.  The last time we did it, Trent was with us and had a great time talking with all the residents.  As we performed I found myself looking for Trent in the audience, where he was last time.  It was kind of empty without him.

Shortly after we returned home I went with my dad to see Shea, a friend who had recently been put on hospice after battling cancer for two years.  In March of 2011, Trent and I went to visit Shea as soon as we heard about her diagnosis.  Neither of us had ever met her or her family before but wanted to offer any support we could to them.  We had such a sweet visit.  We both bore our testimonies about the love the Lord has for each one of us and the strength that we had been given to face our trial.  Shea and Trent became great friends and connected on a level that only two cancer warriors can.  Shea later told me about the strength she had been given by knowing Trent.  She would think, "If Trent can do this, then so can I."  Shea is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and we love her so much!

As I walked in the front door her mom met me with a hug and asked how I knew.  They really felt like Shea would pass away within a few hours of that time.  I had been thinking of Shea almost nonstop for the past few days and had even texted her on Monday.  When my dad mentioned her, I knew I had to go see her that night.  I am so glad I did!  I will never forget the feelings I had as I looked at her frail body and beautiful face.  I knelt by her bed and took her hand in mine.  I told her I was jealous that she would be seeing Trent before I would.  I asked her to make sure she gave him a big hug from me and remind him how much I love him.  I told her I was certain that Trent would be waiting for her so she wouldn't have to go find him.  I told her how much she meant to me and how grateful I was for her example to me.  She could barely speak but told me how much she loved me and Trent.  As I held her hand she gently pulled my hand to her lips and kissed it.  I wanted to scoop up her tiny body and hug her as tight as I could.  Those were some pretty emotional moments but it wasn't the tear your heart out kind of emotion.  I definitely look at death much differently than before.  I am happy for Shea.  She has suffered so much.  There is a reason for everything and someday it will all be explained.  I ache for her parents and the loss they are suffering.  But for Shea, I only see happiness and a life free from pain and the torment of her diseased physical body.  I know it won't be long before we are all together and again and Trent will take good care of her until then.  The last time my dad and I visited with Shea he gave her a blessing that she would be able to choose the day, the hour and the minute of her passing.  The time she chose was two days later on Saturday evening around six.  We will miss her dearly but the memory she leaves is one of grace and quiet faith.  We love you Shea!

Anna Shea Liston

October 4, 1987  ~  March 9, 2013

BRIGHAM CITY - Anna Shea Liston was called home to her Heavenly Father on Saturday, March 9, 2013. Cradled in her father and mother's arms, her final days were spent surrounded by family and friends that Shea had touched in some small way throughout her short, very memorable life.

Shea was a music aficionado. She loved songs from all genres and often introduced her siblings to songs she had been listening to. Attending concerts was her passion, and she often could be found listening and singing to music.

She had a quick mind, and loved to use it to strategize to a win in any game, especially Settlers of Cataan or poker. She, to our knowledge, never lost a game of monopoly. In her home, she was considered the "Yatzee Queen".

She was a lover of animals. Shea gained great joy in learning how to ride horses. She loved to play with grandpa's Llamas and over the course of her life time owned several pet birds, dogs, cats, fish, rabbits, turtles, chickens and worms. She wanted to own a lizard or a snake, but was unfortunately told NO. When a sick iguana needed a nurse, Shea took on the task and snuck him into her home where he made a brilliant recovery.

Nobody saw the world quite like Shea, which why she was such a fantastic photographer. She loved to capture the beauty she saw in the world, so most of her pictures were of other people.

She loved people more than anything in her life, and every where she went she drew a crowd to her. She genuinely cared for them, and spent her entire life looking to the needs of others. She didn't care what you wore or what you did or didn't do, she viewed everyone as children of God and always extended to them love and acceptance and support. Her smile was angelic, her laugh contagious. Her family will miss them both dearly. Throughout her struggles in life she continued to grow in beauty and strength. She gave us all courage and hope and reminded each of us the precious gift love and family is in this life.

Daddies special little girl was born at Fort Benning, Georgia on October 4, 1987. She graduated from Box Elder High School on June 2, 2006.

She is survived by her parents, Kelton and Jeneanne Liston; five siblings: Kennan (Kiley) Liston; Brandon Liston; Caroline (Stewart) Peterson; Jenessa Liston, Nick Liston; grandparents, Walter Davis, Audrey Liston and Charlene Davis. She was preceded in death by her grandparents, Gloria Glazier and William Liston.

Funeral services will be held on Saturday, March 16, 2013 at 1:00 p.m. at the Box Elder Stake Center, 420 South 800 West, Brigham City, UT. Viewings will be held on Friday, March 15th from 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. and on Saturday from 11:30 to 12:30 p.m. at the Stake Center. Interment will be in the Brigham City Cemetery. 

Catch Ya On the Flipside

Monday morning I got a text from a dear friend letting me know her sweet husband had passed away.  I met Sandra and Paul when they came to Trent's viewing.  They had followed our blog and felt a connection to us.  I am so glad I got to meet Paul before he died.  I visited him a couple of weeks ago and it broke my heart to know that Sandra was going to experience many of the same things that I am experiencing.  I had asked Paul to make sure and find Trent and give him a big hug for me and tell him that I love him.  As I drove down to see Sandra the day the Paul passed away, I was crying as I thought about Paul and Trent meeting.  I got the very distinct impression that they had indeed met and I felt like Trent was thanking me for sending my love with Paul.  I spent several hours with Sandra that day.  I was a bit nervous to see her because I thought it might throw me back into those difficult emotions that I experienced right after Trent passed away. We laughed, we cried, and we strengthened each other. As I spoke with Sandra I felt that Trent was proud of me and was watching with great pleasure as Sandra and I comforted each other.  She is amazing and I love her so much!  I am continually amazed at how much I gain when I reach out to others.  

Today I had the honor of attending Paul's funeral and memorial services.  I have been gearing up all week for this.  As I drove to the funeral home my mind was filled with memories of Trent's memorial services and the feelings I had on that day.  I fought back tears a couple of times but I mostly felt peace.  I was so uplifted and strengthened by the messages that were given at Paul's funeral.  One message that struck me was the fact that "adversity is temporary but what you become is permanent".  That really made me think.  All adversity is temporary because this life is temporary.  Some adversity is more temporary than others though.  Our cancer battle was temporary, but the effects of that battle will stay with me throughout the remainder of my life.  The good and the bad.  I  have grown and changed throughout this trial and those effects are permanent.  I can never go back to who I was before.  I am forever changed, hopefully for the better.

At the graveside service I was approached by a woman I have never met before.  She said she followed the blog and was very grateful for the things I have shared and that she had been praying for my family.  I am always humbled when I meet people who have followed the blog and have such an interest in our story.  I was touched by her sincerity.

My day was filled with many moments of love and affirmation.  I did not expect it to be so good for me.  My testimony has been strengthened and I am grateful for that.  Heaven has truly gained another great angel.  Catch ya on the flipside Paul!

Paul Dean Winchester 
(July 20, 1960 - February 25, 2013) 

Paul Dean Winchester

“Catch ya on the flipside”
On February 25, 2013, our beloved husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, uncle and friend, Paul Dean Winchester, 52, passed away peacefully in the early morning hours with his loving sweetheart by his side, after a long and valiant battle with stomach cancer.
Paul was born on July 20, 1960, the youngest of four children, in Idaho Falls, ID to K. Duane Winchester and Marie Bybee. Shortly after his birth, his family moved to Harrisville, UT where he was raised. He graduated from Weber High school in 1978.
On August 11, 1978, Paul married his high school sweetheart, Wendy Wayment. They were later sealed in the Salt Lake LDS temple on September 8, 1979. Together they had three beautiful children; Mitch, Katie and Sheila. Wendy preceded Paul in death on August 21, 1995.
In July 1999, Paul started dating the woman of his dreams, Sandra Mayfield, and on February 5, 2000, they were sealed for time and all eternity in the Bountiful LDS temple. Together they had two more beautiful daughters, Hailey and Sophie.
Paul enjoyed an active lifestyle with hobbies including yoga, walking, rock climbing, fly fishing, camping, and card games. He had an amazing sense of humor and was always able to find humor, even in the most trying situations. He always had a smile on his face and a contagious laugh that could brighten any room. He had a great love for music and was a talented chef. It brought him great joy to cook for and serve others. Family was the most important thing to Paul and he demonstrated this daily through his unconditional love and support.
Paul was an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He served in many various callings, but his most recent calling as High Priest Group Leader was one of his favorites. He had a love for Jesus Christ and lived his life to reflect that. Paul practiced what he preached. He had an amazing gift of seeing the best in others.
Paul is survived by his wife, Sandra; Son, Mitch (Melody) Winchester, Layton; Daughters; Katie Winchester (South Ogden); Sheila (Tony) Brown, Holladay; Hailey and Sophie Winchester, Syracuse; Father; K. Duane Winchester, South Ogden; Brother; Kelly (Janine) Winchester, Loveland, CO; Sister; LuAnn (Kendell) Kennington, SLC; and seven grandchildren.
Paul is preceded in death by his first wife, Wendy; mother, Marie; and Brother, Brad.
Paul had the wonderful opportunity to participate in a program called Reel Recovery, in June 2012. Reel Recovery is a national non-profit organization that conducts free fly-fishing retreats for men battling or recovering from all forms of cancer. In lieu of flowers, Paul has requested donations be made to Reel Recovery.
Funeral services will be held Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 11 a.m. at Lindquist’s Layton Mortuary, 1867 No. Fairfield Road. Friends may visit family on Friday from 6 to 8 p.m. and Saturday from 9:30 to 10:30 a.m. at the mortuary. Interment, Lindquist’s Memorial Park at Layton, 1867 No. Fairfield Road.
2 Timothy 4:6-7 “For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.”

Ridiculously Hard Weekend

I knew it would come.  I have been feeling so much better lately that I knew the backwards slide would come eventually.  Last week as the six month mark was coming closer I could feel myself slipping back into the heavy grief that I have worked so hard to come out of.  Trent was on my mind 100% of the time and I miss him so much!  I can still hear his laugh, see his smile, and know exactly how he would react to any situation.  Thankfully, most of those memories are not of sick Trent.   I have found that when I think of Trent it is almost always the happy, healthy,  pre-cancer Trent that comes to mind.

Last Thursday marked six months closer for us.  Again, I attempted a carrot cake in Trent's honor.  At two months the carrot cake was an epic fail.  After that, the Pursers, from my ward, brought over a new recipe for me to try.  Can you say AMAZING?!!!  It was so good that I am going to share it on the blog so that anyone else who would like to honor Trent can do so with the most amazing carrot cake I have ever tasted.  We even had to rename it.  It is now affectionately referred to as "Daddy Cake" by all of our kids.

Daddy Cake

Mix well together:

3 eggs

1 1/4 c. oil

2 c. grated carrots

2 1/2 c. flour

1 t. soda

1 t. cinnamon

2 c. sugar

1 c. crushed pineapple (drained)

3/4 t. cloves (we didn't have any so I substituted nutmeg)

1/2 t. salt

1 t. vanilla

3/4 c. chopped nuts (we used walnuts)

Bake @ 350 degrees until it bounces back when touched.  I baked it in a cookie sheet and it took about 25 minutes.

Frosting:

3 oz. cream cheese

1 box of powdered sugar (I don't buy powdered sugar in a box so I just dumped enough in to make it yummy)

1/2 stick of butter, softened

1 t. vanilla

Sprinkle iced cake with chopped nuts.

We took the cake and headed to Rexburg for our nephew's wedding.  It was in the Idaho Falls Temple which is the same temple that Trent and I were married in.  I was really hoping that it would not be the same sealing room, which it was not.  Again, my choice of seating was not great.  I was seated on the front row, right in front of the altar, with a clear view into the mirrors.  Ugh.  That was hard.  Needless to say, I did a whole lot of blinking while staring at the ceiling.  It didn't work though, I still bawled.  I held it together pretty well clear until I got downstairs to put on my shoes and coat.  Trent's brother, Travis was right there and I basically fell into his arms and sobbed.  He rocked me and shushed me as gently as Trent would have.  I was really hoping to have a clear knowledge that Trent was in the temple with us, but I didn't.  I am sure he was there but I didn't feel him.  Travis said he knew he was there and that he suddenly had a feeling that he should come and hug me.  He said he felt like that was Trent telling him what to do.  

The reception that night was just as hard.  I had to escape a couple of times to bawl.  Each time I thought I was okay I would make my way back to the party only to have another wave of emotion hit me.  And each time, Travis was there with open arms to comfort me.  Really all of Trent's family was very attentive and sensitive to how difficult it would be for me.  At one point Jake, the groom, took time away from his reception to seek me out to comfort me.  He sat with his arm around me and bore his testimony of the Atonement and its healing power.  A little later BJ, Trent's cousin, walked up and placed his 13 day old daughter in my arms and said he just felt like I needed to hold her.  He has no idea how badly I needed to hold that little girl!  I firmly believe that a little piece of heaven comes down with each child and I really needed heaven close to me right then.  I truly have been blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.  

On Saturday I was getting ready to go to a spinning class with my sister-in-law, Angie.  Out of the blue Mallory told me she didn't want me to get remarried because she didn't want to have a step dad.  I assured her that nothing like that was happening any time soon and that any decision I ever made regarding that would be made with my kids in mind first.  I told her that no one would/could ever replace Trent.  She said she really just wanted someone to come to our house and comfort us each day and play with us.  She then continued to describe the concept of the "group home" in detail.  I laughed out loud because I have thought for a while that it was the perfect solution for everyone in  my situation.  The plan is to build a large home with several wings and a spacious commons area.  That way, all of us who have lost a spouse can have our own wing for our families but when we need companionship we can meet in the commons area.  Great idea, right?!  hahaha

The weekend was full of memories of Trent for me.  I see similarities between Trent and his siblings and it pulls at my heart strings.  On the way home I listened to the CD that Trent always used to calm down and bring in the Spirit.  It was hard to listen to and I bawled almost all the way home.  I miss him so much but I also know that he expects me to carry on and make something out of my life.  I have to be engaged in life and working hard to accomplish all that the Lord needs me to.  Trent's earthly mission is complete but I am still here, obviously not finished with my mission.  That is so frustrating and it makes me so sad.  But I heard a funny quote the other day that has helped lift my mood several times.  "Whenever I am sad, I stop being sad and start being awesome."  I think it is pretty funny but it also reminds me that I have a choice.  I can be sad and wallow in my grief, or I can pick myself up and do something productive.  It is a choice that I have to make every single day.  Sometimes I have to make that choice several times a day.  Sometimes I don't make the right decision.  But I am learning and getting stronger as time goes by and I think that is what the Lord intends.

Stupid Valentine's Day

As I was gearing up for what was sure to be a very difficult day...I came up with a brilliant idea!  Go shooting!  That always puts me on a high for at least a few days and I figured that could help buffer the sting of Valentine's Day.  So Aly, Marc, and I met Marc's brother-in-law, Phil, at Impact Guns in Ogden for some shoot 'em up fun!  We had the best time shooting.  I shot anything I could get my hands on...several different hand guns and an AR 15.  It was AMAZING! I haven't been that giddy in a long time. :)

Many thanks to Phil who kept the guns loaded!

Aly with the AR 15

Marc and his victim

Really...who DOESN'T want to shoot that?!  

We were all hoping Valentine's Day would be bearable but it still turned out to be a bit hurtful and I did some crying but for the most part I was okay...just kind of glum.  I kept myself pretty busy that day.  I didn't want a whole lot of time to think.  I had a couple of extra minutes in the morning while I was out running errands and decided to drive to the cemetery.  Bad idea.  I do not find comfort there, especially without a headstone.  When I got there the ugly metal marker was completely covered in snow about 2.5 feet deep.  I didn't even get out of the suburban.  I just sat there and bawled.  I am not sure if it was worse to see it all covered up or to see the stupid metal marker.  I hate both views.   I hope it gets better when the headstone is placed but I doubt it.  The cemetery just brings back the memories of the graveside service, not my favorite memories.

After I went to the cemetery I did a class party for Jarom and had a lot of fun doing it.  When I got home I received two deliveries of flowers.  One from Trent's mom saying she knew Trent would want me to have flowers on that day.  And the other was anonymous, saying they were from Trent's helper.  I think I have a pretty good idea of who sent those.  I am very grateful to be remembered and loved.  It was a hard day to be without Trent.  I ordered his favorite chocolates from Mom's Candy Kitchen in Rexburg and got Trent a bouquet of balloons.  I wish he had been here to enjoy them. For dinner I decorated the dining room and laid out Valentine's for my kids.  

All of that heartache was just a little too much for me so I took off to St. George with a friend on the spur of the moment.  It was exactly what I needed!!!!  Sunshine and a complete change of scenery. aaahhhh.  Beautiful!  I took my camera along and had fun seeing life through a lens instead of my reality.  I also took my new running clothes and gave them a couple of test runs outside.  Oh my gosh that was refreshing!  It was still cold in the morning but it was so good to run outside.  I ran laps around the temple and then finished off with a few quiet/teary moments on the temple grounds.  It was exactly what I needed.

St. George Temple

Dixie Rock

Dixie Rock

Cove Fort

Mallory Moments

This little girl is the sweetest little girl there is.  On Monday night during FHE we drew hearts and then filled them with all the things in our lives that we loved.  Of course the first thing she drew was a picture of Trent.  She told me that they had been given an assignment in school to write about what they would do if they could go into the past.  The other kids were writing things like, "Go visit the dinosaurs".  She said she would make it so her Daddy never got cancer.  Instead of having Trent bump his hip on the stairs she would put herself there instead so she could bump her back and just get a bruise.  (The whole cancer thing started after Trent bumped his hip while playing Nerf Wars with the boys in December of 2009.)  I started bawling and told her how sweet she was.  Then last night as I was tucking her into bed she started crying and said that she never imagined her life would be this way.  (She might have heard me say that 1000 or so times.)  She was sad because she always has to have friends over now to play, where before she never did because Trent would play dolls and Barbies with her.  Oh my, that started the tears again.  She is really missing her Daddy and I feel so bad for her!  She is his little princess and he treated her like she hung the moon.  How I wish I could take this pain from her but all I can do is assure her that Daddy loves her, watches over her, and misses her like crazy.  Of course she is still praying for the day that she will see Trent again to be really soon!

Weirdness

I have thought a lot about all the things that we do to cope with the loss of a loved one.  What comforts us, what triggers us, and what we just can't handle.  I would love to be a fly on the wall in other people's lives to see if what I do is normal because I know I do some weird things.

Things that comfort me:
 1. Hearing Trent's voice on my voicemail.
 2. Seeing his clothes in his closet.
 3. Seeing his handwriting.
 4. Putting Trent's name on my tithing slip.
 5. Wearing Trent's socks.  I wear his socks everyday.  When I go to the temple I wear his socks, even though they are way too big for me.  If you ever see me at the temple and the heel of my stockings is on the back of my leg it is not because I don't own stockings that fit me, it is because I am taking Trent to the temple with me. :)
 6. Sleeping with Trent's "heart pillow".
 7. Sleeping on his side of the bed.
 8. Smelling his cologne or deodorant.
 9. Seeing bits and pieces of Trent in each one of our kids.
10. Talking about Trent.


Things that trigger me:
1. Seeing someone with similar physical traits as Trent.
2. Hearing his voice on my voicemail.
3. Seeing his clothes in his closet.  Especially the pair of shorts he wore last that still have his belt in them.
4. Seeing a hearse.
5. Hospital stuff.
6. Seeing the 'perfect' happy family whose lives look free from any pain.
7. Who knows?  I get triggered by all sorts of things that I would never expect at times when I least expect it.


Things I just can't handle:
1. Thinking Trent is near and I can't feel him.
2. Thinking about how long I might live without him.
3. Thinking that I may someday forget how to love him because he has been gone for so long.
4. Knowing that someone I love is suffering.  I think I have watched enough suffering in my life already.
5. Thinking that I won't be able to measure up to what my life is supposed to be because I am lost in my grief.

Today has been a little rough for me but I still think I am doing way better than before.  I am able to bounce back a little quicker when grief knocks me down.  Granted, I am a little shaky when I bounce back...but at least I do.

Lessons Learned

The past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster for me.  Thankfully the highs are getting higher and the lows don't dip as low.  I feel like I am doing much better than before although I am not so naive to think I will not have setbacks.

Last Saturday I got to spend some time with Mark and LaDena.  They both picked my brain about several things and I was happy to share with them.  In doing so, I realized how far I have come.  Mark told me that he had been very concerned about me but felt like I was better.  I shed a few tears while at their house and after I left, but they felt more like cleansing tears that left me a little shaky but not broken.

That night I got to visit Shea, a friend who is battling colon cancer.  She and Trent formed a really tight bond and we just love her!  She is the sweetest, most adorable woman ever and it breaks my heart to know she is suffering.  She shared with me some of the things she has learned and some of the things she fears.  We had a great visit and I am so glad I went.

Sunday morning was Stake Conference.  I had to sing in the choir and just happened to be seated just behind the speakers, on camera the entire time!  AARRGGHH!  Lucky for the whole stake, they all got a real up-close and personal view of every emotion that I experienced during the meeting.  Unfortunately that included a meltdown.  As part of my dad's talk, he asked Mallory to stand and sing, "Reverently, Quietly".  He stood next to her with his arm around her while she sang a solo at the pulpit.  When she was done he kissed her on the head and turned to the audience and said, "I just love it when we can feel Trent here."  I was already bawling because Mallory had done such a great job but that comment sent me over the edge.  The tears were coming like a waterfall.  I finally was handed a fistful of tissues which I continued to soak for the remainder of the meeting.  Wowza.

This week has also been a real eye opener for me with Jarom.  He can be pretty tough to handle sometimes and I am often left wondering what in the world to do with him.  On Tuesday night he made me promise that I would get up and exercise with him at 6:00 am.  Well, that didn't happen because I was too tired to get my batootie out of bed.  He was upset when he realized we had missed our time.  I made him get in bed with me, mostly because I was still too tired to get up.  I cuddled up to him and told him how much I loved him and how much Dad loves him too.  He resisted at first but quickly settled down.  We now have a standing cuddle appointment each morning at 6:05am (or whenever I wake up).  Who knew that was what he was needing?  It is sometimes hard for me to remember that even though that giant kid is almost as big as me, he is still only nine years old and needs his mommy to cuddle him every once in a while.

I think I am finally coming out of myself enough to see what the kids are needing.  I would like to think that I have been a great mom and have been in tune to each child as they grieve, but realistically, I think I have missed a lot.  I learned that Zach needs family time.  He is feeling like we don't gather together as much as we used to, even though we gather for scripture study nightly.  He wants more of the hang-out and have fun time.  I learned that Jarom needs cuddle time.  One-on-one time with Mom and a little tickle on his arms does wonders for that kid.  I learned that Megan needs to hear "I love you" more than I give her.  I assume she knows it but vocalizing it more regularly and sincerely has helped both of us.

This morning was particularly difficult for me.  All sorts of thoughts were swirling through my already tired brain.  Repeatedly the tears would come only to stop seconds later and be replaced by feelings of peace.  It seemed that every time I tried to cry to release my emotions, my heart was instantly calmed.  I prayed for a while then got up and read the February Ensign.  Of course I felt like there were several articles in it that were written just for me.  One quote that I read today was especially sweet.

"I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair. To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know.  It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave...'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.'"---Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Of all the things I have learned this week, I hold one most sacred and dear.  I learned that by turning to the Savior and putting all of my trust in Him, I have found more peace than any other way.  I used to read the quote above and associate it with dying and receiving rest at the end of our lives.  But now I see it differently.  By turning to the Savior now, I am receiving rest from my burdens in the form of unexpected blessings.  I am being blessed with more joy, more peace, and more love---things I thought I could never fully partake of again.

(Of course I have also learned to be very careful when choosing my seat at Stake Conference...) :)